It was the 1960s, give or take a few decades, and vampires were still doing stuff.

Legcramp, one of the vampires in question, sat in a bar that he legally was not allowed to be in. The bar was in some city somewhere in Earth’s northern hemisphere. Legcramp didn’t know where exactly. He had just inadvertently ended up there through some convoluted chain of events that would take a whole nother web serial to explain. The bar was old, undusted, and undisturbed. It was only open to immortal beings such as Legcramp, and immortals didn’t care much for spring cleaning. Legcramp, wearing his favourite leather jacket that he mistakingly thought made him look cool, sat down at the bar and nodded to its skeletal bartender.

‘Sup, Leg,’ said the skeleton. ‘Still haven’t thrown out the jacket, I see.’

‘Skeleton,’ said Legcramp. ‘Still haven’t thrown out your crappy personality, I see.’

‘Hey, man, words hurt,’ Skeleton said as he served up Legcramp’s usual. ‘Anyway, you been reading the human news recently? The government says there’s a big enemy about to attack or something. World’s gone crazy, man.’

Legcramp sipped his mug of red coffee, his fangs scraping the ceramic.

‘Enemy?’ Legcramp asked. ‘Like Mars?’

Skeleton poured him another red coffee. Red coffee wasn’t actually coffee, but it kinda smelt like it. ‘I dunno, man. Could be. They’re saying the world’s gonna end.’

Legcramp finished his second coffee and threw the mug over his shoulder. ‘About time. This world sucks.’

Skeleton shook his skeletal head. ‘I appreciate the vampire pun, man, but this is serious. Hate humans all you want, but if Earth ends up like Venus everyone’s gonna have a bad time.’

‘What happened to Venus?’ Legcramp asked. He had never been to his ancestor’s home planet, nor did he know much about it.

‘Nothing, man,’ Skeleton said. ‘It’s just real stupid terrible there.’

The bar’s door swung open and a vampire in a leather coat and leather pants and leather shoes and leather everything walked in. Her hair was all over the place and her eyes were hidden behind sweet sunglasses.

‘Skeleton,’ she said.

‘Man, what’s with you people and leather?’ Skeleton asked.

Legcramp nodded to her in greeting. She was an… associate of his. In a way.

‘You read the news?’ she asked, sitting down at the bar.

‘Yeah, they’re saying the world’s gonna end,’ Legcramp replied.

‘Uh huh, you wanna help stop it?’ Armwrestle pulled out a cigar and lit it with some obscure vampire power. The cigar looked old. Just being near it would probably keep her going for another decade or two.

‘No,’ Legcramp said. ‘I wanna move to Pallas or something. This planet blows.’

‘Pallas?’ Armwrestle said. ‘Seriously? There’s nothing there but gorillas and gorilla farmers.’

‘Fine, Mercury then,’ said Legcramp, instantly regretting the words as he said them. Not even Mercurians would choose to live on Mercury. Logically speaking, Earth was the best place for him, but Legcramp still hated it. He wanted to be feared and hated by mortals. He wanted power over others and global domination. If he been on Earth in ancient times he would have been tantamount to a god. Nowadays, however, humans simply weren’t afraid of vampires anymore. The planet hadn’t necessarily gotten any better or any worse. Just more boring. Earth’s governments once hunted the horrors that hailed from Venus. Now it just ignored them. Legcramp didn’t just want to be feared, he needed to be feared. Vampires were the personifications of dark pasts. Incapable of looking forward, only reflecting on the spooky junk that’s come and gone. Every second further into the future was another second that could have been his. Legcramp wanted something different.

Armwrestle fished out a crumpled envelope from her coat pocket and placed it on the bar.

‘Well, if you feel like doing something different,’ she said. ‘Here’s your chance.’ She chowed down on the remainder of her cigar and left the building.

Legcramp thought for some time, then picked up the envelope. Skeleton had left too, probably back to the shadow realm or something stupid like that. Written on the envelope in blue pen was simply FOR VAMPIRES – AN OPPORTUNITY. Legcramp opened the envelope. Inside was a single sheet of paper and a pack of complimentary gum. The paper read:


Undead abomination,

The world is changing. We understand that, unlike humans, vampires require stagnation to persistIf this war escalates, everything will end. We humans will become mutant monstrosities unable to properly file taxes, and with all of history reduced to radioactive rubble, vampires will wither and die. For our mutual survival, we request you use your obscure vampire powers to help us postpone the apocalypse to a more convenient date. If you accept this offer, head to the nearest important-looking location. There’ll probably be an agent of ours there. If there isn’t, go to the next important-looking location until you find one.

Please and thank you,

The Secret Evil Global Shadow Government for the Secret Evil Shadow Governing of the Globe


Legcramp folded the paper neatly, then unfolded it and folded it again roughly, to make a point. His obscure vampire powers, being exploited for human politics? Ridiculous. Legcramp took pride in his vampirism. Every time he turned transformed his arm into a bear or dislocated his shoulder at will was a symbol of his heritage. His own history. The history that would vanish into the void if not constantly fuelled by the background of others. To work with the futurist humans? Would… actually be an excellent opportunity. He would be given access to the most secret and secure human facilities. He could destroy human civilisation from the inside out! Legcramp shoved the letter into his pocket, popped the gum into his mouth, and got up. He left the bar with a grin on his face, feeling pumped for some impending nuclear devestation.


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