Skӧgul-But-Her-Friends-Call-Her-Kim’s helmet cracked open against the force of Heartburn’s fist, revealing an unbrushed mop of blonde hair. She tumbled backward, just managing to stabilize in mid-air before hitting the ground.
‘VALKYRIES!’ she roared, ‘SMITE THIS FOOL!’
‘Which one?’ one of the Valkyries asked.
‘THE ONE THAT JUST PUNCHED—‘
Heartburn shot forward and planted a heel in Kim’s face, driving her into the superheated soil.
‘I think she means that one,’ another Valkyrie said.
The Valkyries flew after Heartburn, who was busy waterboarding Kim in a river of hydrochloric acid.
‘Should we… help them?’ Legcramp asked.
‘Nah, I’m beat,’ Armwrestle said.
‘Anyone want a bite?’ asked Brainstem as he roasted one of Odin’s ravens over a fire.
‘I’m good,’ said Neckbrace.
A voice cried out in the distance, barely audible over the chanting of the Valkyries. ‘BAAAAZZZAA!’ it screamed.
The vampires turned to see Brainstem’s crewmembers, Damo and Jim, sprinting towards them in a manic rush. The pair skidded to a halt by Brainstem’s barbeque, huffing and puffing.
‘Bazza!’ Damo cried. ‘We’ve been lookin’ for ya ever since you jumped in that hole!’
‘Nah, mate,’ Brainstem said. ‘Name’s Brainstem now. Gonna file the legal paperwork tomorrow.’
‘Sick as, Stemmo,’ Damo said. ‘Hey, can I have a bite of that chicken?’
‘Sure thing, mate,’ Brainstem said, offering a leg of raven. ‘Ay, bee-tee-dubs, you should meet me mate Bonemarrow. Stellar bloke.’
‘We may be temporarily allied against a greater threat,’ Bonemarrow said. ‘But I am not your friend, you Bodacious Biledrinker.’
‘I’ve been wonderin’,’ Brainstem said in between bites of meat. ‘Why do ya hate me anyway?’
Bonemarrow scoffed. ‘Of course you wouldn’t remember. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the likes of you.’
‘Remember what?’ Brainstem asked. ‘Your birthday? If I forgot that, I’m real sorry. I can’t even remember me own birthday.’
‘NO, YOU BODACIOUS BLOWFLY! PHOBOS!’
Brainstem tilted his head. ‘Eh?’
‘THE MASSACRE OF PHOBOS!’ Bonemarrow cried.
‘The Massacre of who now?’ Brainstem asked.
Bonemarrow drew a deep, shuddering breath. ‘You and your merry men, paid off by the Martian empire, slaughtered every human on Phobos, including my family. Do you remember now, Bodacious Bumkin? Do you REMEMBER THEIR SCREAMS?’
Brainstem’s eyebrows raised in realization. ‘Oooh, yeah nah. That was me Kiwi counterpart, Bodacious Billy. I did the Deimos Massacre.’
Bonemarrow blinked. ‘I… had the wrong guy?’
Brainstem shrugged.
Bonemarrow burst into tears and gave Brainstem a big hug. ‘I’M SORRY FOR ALL I DID TO YOU, YOU BODACIOUS—‘
Then he died.
Before anyone could react, a small Bifrost crack opened up and Plato, followed by the Apocalypse Man, stepped through.
‘I almost forgot,’ said Plato with an apologetic laugh. ‘Super vampires have a crazy short lifespan, so be ready for Bonemarrow to drop dead any minute now.’
His eyes fell on Bonemarrow’s lifeless body. ‘Well, there ya go.’
‘Where’s my dad?’ asked Armwrestle.
‘He was freaking us out so we left him in the hole,’ the Apocalypse Man explained.
‘Understandable,’ Armwrestle said.
As Brainstem began roasting Bonemarrow’s body on the fire, the Apocalypse Man looked around in confusion.
‘Hey, where’s Heartburn?’ he asked. ‘Did you guys beat him already?’
Neckbrace pointed at a cloud of dust in the distance. ‘He’s over there somewhere, fighting Valkyries. We’re just taking a break.’
‘Excuse me?’ the Apocalypse Man said incredulously. ‘Fighting what?’
With impeccable timing, Skӧgul-But-Her-Friends-Call-Her-Kim, catapulted by a Heartburn uppercut, dropped from the sky and landed at the Apocalypse Man’s feet.
The Apocalypse Man gave a long, croaking gasp.
Kim gave a long, croaking gasp.
‘SURTR?’ she cried.
‘IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!’ the Apocalypse Man, or rather Surtr, responded, waving his arms about wildly.
Kim rose to her feet with the help of her wings. ‘Why are you here?’ she asked. ‘How’d you get out of Muspelheim? WHY ARE YOU NAKED?’
Surtr seemed to be hyperventilating. ‘I… I can explain!’
Kim whipped out a flip phone. ‘I’m calling Thor,’ she said, punching in a number.
‘BY YMIR’S KIDNEYS, WAIT!’ Surtr cried. ‘I didn’t mean to come to Midgard! I made some bad deals, that’s all! Don’t call Thor!’
Kim’s thumb was hovering over the call button. ‘Deals? With who?’
Surtr mumbled something.
‘I didn’t catch that,’ Kim said.
Surtr mumbled something.
‘Huh?’
‘…AG…’ Surtr finally vocalized.
‘YOU MADE A DEAL WITH THE BIG AG?’ Kim roared. She pressed the call button and held the phone to her ear. After fifteen seconds she flipped the phone shut without saying a word.
‘What… what did he say?’ Surtr asked.
‘It went to voicemail,’ Kim said. ‘But that’s fine. I can do this all by—‘
Heartburn jumped out of nowhere and piledrived Kim into the dirt.
Finishing off the last bite of Bonemarrow’s right leg, Brainstem stood up, stretched, and said, ‘I guess me break’s over.’
Kim quickly recovered, drawing her sword as the others Valkyries flew over to join the fight.
‘Hey, if you get me to Muspelheim, I’ll make it worth your while,’ Surtr said to Plato.
Plato snorted. ‘No dice, giant.’
Neckbrace, Legcramp, Armwrestle, and Brainstem joined the fight. Heartburn was strong, but even he couldn’t stand up to the might of four vampires and a dozen Valkyries. In a furious rush of blades and blood, untraceable to the naked eye, Heartburn began to weaken. Vampires could heal through virtually any wound, but under such a raging assault Heartburn didn’t have even a millisecond to spare. His lungs flew in one direction. His intestines in another. His pelvis was pulverized, his ribcage ruptured. Neckbrace curb stomped his head hard enough for his fangs to gain sentience, evolve legs, and run away.
With battered vocal cords, Heartburn screamed, ‘YOU…’ a Valkyrie stabbed him in the eye, ‘…FOOLS…’ Neckbrace tore his spine out, ‘…CANNOT…’ Legcramp ate his kneecaps, ‘…DEFEAT…’ Brainstem tickled his armpits, ‘…ME!’
From their stupid dimension, the Reptilian Bomb Squad appeared and tackled Heartburn’s attackers. The one strangling Neckbrace turned to Heartburn and hissed, ‘SSSSSSFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSFFFFFFFFF!’
Heartburn gave a maniacal cackle in response. ‘THE BOMB IS READY!’ he cried.
Neckbrace punched her reptilian attacker with a force too great to be described in an analogy, but it did nothing. The reptilians were unreasonably powerful.
‘HE’S COMING!’ Heartburn roared, and in response, a deep, booming, rumbling roar echoed across the Solar System. Venus’ atmosphere split open, revealing the star-studded space above. Quickly approaching from the edge of the System was an incomprehensibly massive, looming shadow.
The reptilians stopped fighting and quickly dropped to their knees in reverence as the shape approached. It was the progenitor of their species, after all.
Kim stared at the thing. She seemed just about ready to give up on life. ‘I still can’t believe that is Loki’s son,’ she said.
Jörmungandr, the Midgard Serpent, as long as the circumference of the Solar System, approached Venus, its many-layered jaws outstretched.
‘BEHOLD!’ Heartburn exclaimed. ‘MY BOMB!’
‘You… you turned the Midgard Serpent into a nuclear bomb?’ Surtr said with a tinge of admiration.
‘YOU DID WHAT?’ rumbled Jörmungandr.
Then he exploded, and so did the Universe.
NEXT CHAPTER: HOW LEGCRAMP LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB
TWO CHAPTERS REMAIN
GRAND EYE SERIALS 